Valentine For Hire

Happy Valentine’s Day! I have a special update for one of 2017 goals! No, I’m not one day closer to dating a girl for a month, but I think I’ve found a new approach for it.

First off, here’s my problem… I’m old fashioned and I romanticize love, and because of these things I suck at “the game” because I don’t try to play it. *shrugs*

But I was thinking the other day that I have a lot of the characteristics that would make a great stay-at-home-mom. Only problem, I’m a guy. Though, before my birth the doctor told my mom that I would be a girl. So maybe I actually was born the wrong gender? Oh well, I’m fine with myself.

But I figure, hey! It’s 2017! Surely you don’t have a to be a mom to be a stay-at-home-parent anymore! So instead of looking for love, I’m just going to apply to be a stay-at-home-dad!

Ikia’s Resume:

Good afternoon Miss Strong Independent Woman That Don’t Need No Man,

Tired of your family always riding you over being single? Have a baby with a POS baby daddy? Need someone to keep the house in order so you can focus on your career?

Hi there! My name is Ikia – yes like the store, but spelled with an “I” not an “E”.

I heard about the open position in your household and would love to apply to be your stay-at-home-dad. No, I’ve never been a dad, but what I lack in experience, I make up for in attitude, readiness and a willingness to learn.

Experience:
  • Eldest child of five for 24 years.
  • Eldest grandchild on both sides of 22 for 24 years.
  • A few faithful (on my end) past relationships.
Special Skills:
  • Photography skills to capture our little one’s adventures.
  • Great with Excel and keeping track of finesses and all other life things.
  • I have a little bit of OCD, so our house will always be on point – be it friends, family, or Jehovah Witnesses – you’ll never be embarrassed to say “Of course, come on in!”
  • I romanticize love, so I’ll always be doing small things that would bring a slight smile to your face even on the longest day at the office.
  • I’m old fashioned, and because of that I’m very faithful. You’ll never have to worry about what’s happening at your house because you’ll have a man at home that would never step outside his marriage.
  • Parents and kids love me! Be it your children from past relationships, god-kids, etc. – I’ll be a hit at events and everyone will be talking about how great your man is with kids. If you have any kids of your own, you don’t have to worry about me “treating them like my own” because they will be mine. Your parents will also be very fond of me.
  • I’m 6’2”, I’ll be able to squash any and all bugs that frighten your pretty little heart. Disclaimer, I will not actually kill them. I’ll scoop them up and take them outside and set them free.
  • With the time I have not working, I’ll be able to have the perfect body for you. 6 pack abs or dad bod – which ever one you want, I’ll have the time to get it for you. Same for things like hair/facial hair – I can grow either, or keep them clean.
Requirements:
  • You must make enough to support us, our kids and pay for our two story Colonial Revival or Log home.
  • You must watch Survivor with me each week – just first runs, I’ll spare you rewatches.
  • Family camping trip once a year. Day hiking trips once a month.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you,

-Ikia

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